I just discovered that an old boyfriend of mine is engaged. It shouldn’t have bothered me. We dated a really long time ago. And while he was my first love, that had no bearings on my feelings. wasn’t what was bothering me. What stung was that he, like so many others around me, seem to be able to find love again quickly after a divorce. Sometimes it feels like the universe is producing couples by the minute while I sit around feeling very alone. So I pulled up an old blog post that I thought might make me feel better. Maybe it will help you too. If not, give me a call and lets get coffee. We can be alone together.
——-It’s not a race. How many times have you said that to a kid who was rushing to do something when there was no reason to rush? I know I’ve used it plenty of times. But it never seemed to apply to me. At least, not until the other day when I met my ex-husbands latest girlfriend. My mind went straight to its “bad” place where it contemplates unhelpful questions like – Why does he get to move on so quickly? Why is it so easy for him to find not one, but multiple women to date consecutively whereas I have been very much alone for the last, well, lots of years?
I don’t think it’s unusual or abnormal for these questions to come, but I need to be reminded that this process I’m in isn’t a race. There’s no prize for “getting over” the marriage or “moving on” the fastest. If you’ve ever been through anything heartbreaking or life changing, you know there’s really no such thing as getting over it anyways. You learn to live again and move past a place of being stuck in grief or anger. But you don’t get over it. It changes you forever. In fact, if you think you can rush the delicate and slow-moving process of healing you’ll only end up with more heartache.
I am alone, and feel very lonely at times. I would love to be in a relationship right now. But that would only numb all the disappointment and anger and sadness I still need to walk through. There is something very vital to fully embracing and experiencing every wave of pain as it comes. I’ve experienced a great loss. To forget or deny that would be such a waste of a precious opportunity to find healing.
It may be hard for a long time, but it will get better. I may get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach with the introduction of a new girlfriend for awhile still. But at some point, I will realize that that feeling is gone. I will feel stronger, more capable, comfortable with singleness, and content. And all the days spent struggling to embrace, accept and work through the emotions as they come will be so worth it. Healing will come. I’m going to take my time. After all, it’s not a race.
(And this just in, the tortoise really does win in the end…by taking his time. Who would’ve known).