This has been one of those days where it feels like the world is a very bleak place to live. I received several pieces of truly awful news today. It’s not my news to share, so I won’t, just know that people I care about are going through the most trying times possible. There are no words, truly. There’s no making sense of some things. No silver lining. Just loss. I wish there was so much more that I could do than just grieve. It’s hard to find anything “good” to say at times like this. No one wants a cheerleader. So, instead I’m going to share a story.
I’m going through therapy, which is all online right now. I see a trauma therapist and we are doing EMDR. If you’re not familiar, it’s a way of working through and healing traumatic experiences. The camera on my laptop wasn’t working so I could see my therapist, but she couldn’t see me. We’ve been working on a certain memory for weeks now – the overall feeling attached to it is was how very unseen I was by my ex-husband. I was crying pretty hard at one point, sitting with the pain of feeling like less than an object in my marriage. My crying slowed and I noticed that my therapist had moved closer to the screen. She was with me in that moment. As my breathing started to return to normal and I began to feel more settled she said that as she could hear my breathing slow down (remember, she couldn’t see me). She said that as she could hear my breathing slow, her shoulders relaxed more and more. Not only had she moved closer to the screen, probably without even knowing it, but her body had tensed. She was literally with me in my pain. I was processing the pain of being unseen, and there she was, “seeing” me. Even when she couldn’t see me, she saw me.
Having a broken camera on my computer has been exasperating. But, at that moment, I wouldn’t have changed it for the world.
If you’re suffering right now, I see you. You are loved. You matter. Let me sit here for a minute with you in your pain. Take a deep breath. I’m taking one too. You are so loved. I see you.